Music by Alfred Glover
Lyrics by John L. St. John
1909
Originally sung by George Robey in 1909. Recorded in 1911.
1. It’s no use me denying facts
I’m henpeck’d, you can see!
’Twas on our wedding morn my wife
Commenc’d to peck at me.
The wedding breakfast over, I Said,
“We’ll start off today
Upon our honeymoon!” then she
Yelled, “What! waste time that way?
“Archibald – certainly not!
Get back to work at once, sir, like a shot!
When single, you could waste time spooning,
But lose work now for honeymooning!
Archibald – certainly not!”
2. I once stroll’d through a field, and there
A mad bull came across.
It gamboll’d with em playfully
And quickly won the toss!
Of course I sued the owner, and
The day the case was fought,
The judge exclaimed when I said, “Sir,
Let’s have the bull in court!”
“Archibald – certainly not!
Just show what other evidence you’ve got!”
Be he cried when I said, “Please forgo it!
Because I must stand up to show it”
Archibald – certainly not!”
3. A sportsman I have always been
I’ve hunted with the hounds.
I’ve hunted, too, without them, and
It’s cost me many pounds.
I can’t afford to hunt now that
I’m married, but one day,
The wife remark’d, when I asked her
If cricket I could play,
“Archibald – certainly not!
About this cricket game I’ve read a lot.
Besides, last time you played at Dover,
I heard you bowl’d a maiden over!
Archibald – certainly not!”
4. A lady named Miss Hewitt got
On friendly terms with me.
She fell in love with me at once
And then fell in the sea!
My wife came on the scene as I
Threw coat and vest aside,
As other garments I slipped off
To save the girl, she cried,
“Archibald – certainly not!
Desist at once disrobing on the spot!
You may show your pluck and same Miss Hewitt,
But if you’ve got to strip to do it –
Archibald – certainly not!”
5. At suppertime last Sunday I
Was hungry as could be.
A chicken on the table smelt
Most savoury to me!
I longed for just a taster, as
I munched my jam and bread.
At last I said, “Can I have just
The beak?” Then my wife said,
“Archibald – certainly not!
You know that fowl for you was never got.
Eat chicken when to bed you’re going!
Why, all night long I’d have you crowing!
Archibald – certainly not!”
[Transcribed from Francis & Day’s Album of Famous Old Songs No 11]